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BADMIKEY
Innocent
Innocent


Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 11


humor jokes
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While I was watching the play-off games last weekend,
my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death,
and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that
I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass


ps im not married but this is funny as hell
Post 12/10/06 10:11pm
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BADMIKEY
Innocent
Innocent


Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 11


humor Re: jokes
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Business Lesson #1

Clive wanted to have sex with a girl named Suzy in his office.....but
she Belonged to someone else...

One day Clive got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you".

Suzy said, " NO."

Clive said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money Very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. H alf an hour went by and the
boyfriend was waiting for Suzy to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Business Lesson #1: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Post 12/10/06 10:13pm
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zeng
corrupt
corrupt


Joined: 19 Aug 2006
Posts: 202
Age: 33
Location: BumsFuck Tennessee

humor Re: jokes
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quote:
Originally posted by BADMIKEY


Business Lesson #1: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!


laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

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Post 12/10/06 10:37pm
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DarkPsychic
Supposed Shemale


Joined: 04 Oct 2003
Posts: 3522
Age: 29
Location: Wichita

 
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A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

_________________
roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you
Post 12/10/06 10:45pm
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Fenris
Howling at the moon


Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 5773
Age: 50
Location: no man's land

 
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laugh.gif
Post 12/10/06 11:10pm
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DarkPsychic
Supposed Shemale


Joined: 04 Oct 2003
Posts: 3522
Age: 29
Location: Wichita

 
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101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

_________________
roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you
Post 12/10/06 11:19pm
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zeng
corrupt
corrupt


Joined: 19 Aug 2006
Posts: 202
Age: 33
Location: BumsFuck Tennessee

 
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quote:
Originally posted by DarkPsychic
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"



laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

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Post 12/11/06 12:03am
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DarkPsychic
Supposed Shemale


Joined: 04 Oct 2003
Posts: 3522
Age: 29
Location: Wichita

 
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Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes silence.

Q. Why is a fat woman like a moped?
A. They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your
friends to see you on either.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there
before you.

_________________
roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you
Post 12/11/06 01:38am
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zeng
corrupt
corrupt


Joined: 19 Aug 2006
Posts: 202
Age: 33
Location: BumsFuck Tennessee

 
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quote:
Originally posted by DarkPsychic


Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.



LMFAO so true so true laugh.gif

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Post 12/11/06 01:40am
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DarkPsychic
Supposed Shemale


Joined: 04 Oct 2003
Posts: 3522
Age: 29
Location: Wichita

 
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A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that
her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him
"Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

_________________
roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you
Post 12/11/06 01:47am
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Fenris
Howling at the moon


Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 5773
Age: 50
Location: no man's land

 
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laugh.gif at both
Post 12/11/06 01:54am
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DarkPsychic
Supposed Shemale


Joined: 04 Oct 2003
Posts: 3522
Age: 29
Location: Wichita

 
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There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same
day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for
John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort
of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an
old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack
in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I
used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess
what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her
at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.

_________________
roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you
Post 12/11/06 02:48am
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zeng
corrupt
corrupt


Joined: 19 Aug 2006
Posts: 202
Age: 33
Location: BumsFuck Tennessee

 
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laugh.gif
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Post 12/11/06 03:05am
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riddick
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 04 Dec 2006
Posts: 1037


 
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laugh.gif
Post 12/11/06 05:03pm
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Paddler
C\\\'mon in!


Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 2207
Age: 74
Location: LYH

 
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laugh.gif @ Business Lesson # 1
Post 12/11/06 05:18pm
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tractoris
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 12 Apr 2005
Posts: 27396


 
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quote:
Originally posted by DarkPsychic
101 Things Not To Say During Sex



Can I add #102?


Don't worry about it, a little drywall patch will fix it in the morning. By the way how's your head? happy3.gif
Post 12/11/06 06:07pm
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Ubee
cab passenger


Joined: 28 Oct 2004
Posts: 4636
Location: in the back of a cab

 
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laugh.gif @ most of them
Post 12/11/06 06:40pm
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qpr
POETIC JUSTICE


Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 45008


 
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laugh.gif
Post 12/11/06 11:09pm
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Paddler
C\\\'mon in!


Joined: 09 Dec 2006
Posts: 2207
Age: 74
Location: LYH

 
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Public Service Announcement - Water vs. Wine

WATER - It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit.

WINE - We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Shit
WINE = Health

Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk shit than it is to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.
cool.gif
Post 12/12/06 12:39pm
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MBJ
Laughing


Joined: 12 Mar 2003
Posts: 12773
Age: 115


 
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Thanks for the info Paddler. Especially since the stuff I'm drinking right now tastes like shit. laugh.gif
Post 12/12/06 03:08pm
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