Bookmark and Share jokes    Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 77, 78, 79, 80  Next
Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Post new topic Reply to topic
Life of Debauchery .com > Humor

Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog


Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 14969
Age: 64
Location: Dogdom

 
 Reply with quote  

A 911 Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto , Ontario , much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating:

"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied: "Remain calm and stay on the line."

_________________
Post 06/03/15 05:33pm
 View users profile Send private message

bloodpuppet
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 12 Oct 2003
Posts: 1659
Location: In the middle of the road flipping you off.

 
 Reply with quote  

Just got back from vacation.

The wife decided we should go on a cruise, so she could get a break from her household chores.




I tried to get in the spirit by getting head from a little Asian masseuse, but apparently, that was not a household chore the wife wanted to outsource.

_________________
Du haxen Hase
Post 06/14/15 06:44pm
 View users profile Send private message

Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog


Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 14969
Age: 64
Location: Dogdom

 
 Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by bloodpuppet
Just got back from vacation.

The wife decided we should go on a cruise, so she could get a break from her household chores.




I tried to get in the spirit by getting head from a little Asian masseuse, but apparently, that was not a household chore the wife wanted to outsource.


Now I think that's funny. The wife doesn't...that's why I call her Da Bitch. laugh.gif

_________________
Post 06/14/15 07:56pm
 View users profile Send private message

bloodpuppet
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 12 Oct 2003
Posts: 1659
Location: In the middle of the road flipping you off.

 
 Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by Ripdog
Now I think that's funny. The wife doesn't...that's why I call her Da Bitch. laugh.gif


The worst part is, I don't even dig Asian chicks. Especially not Pacific Islanders. Give me a Former Soviet Block Eastern European chick with that smoking hot accent and oddly aggressive submissive attitude. Now that is hot.

_________________
Du haxen Hase
Post 06/18/15 06:01pm
 View users profile Send private message

AWM
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 05 Dec 2012
Posts: 4527
Age: 56


 
 Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by bloodpuppet
The worst part is, I don't even dig Asian chicks. Especially not Pacific Islanders. Give me a Former Soviet Block Eastern European chick with that smoking hot accent and oddly aggressive submissive attitude. Now that is hot.


Could not agree more - boffed a Russkie only a week ago. Good god was she a wonderful experience

_________________
Pray - "To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”
Post 06/18/15 06:48pm
 View users profile Send private message

Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog


Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 14969
Age: 64
Location: Dogdom

 
 Reply with quote  

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

_________________
Post 06/20/15 07:35pm
 View users profile Send private message

Headcreeps
rub my belly


Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 4245
Age: 46


 
 Reply with quote  

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

_________________
Despite what your momma told you, violence does solve problems. ~Ryan Job
Post 06/23/15 03:20pm
 View users profile Send private message Send email

tractoris
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 12 Apr 2005
Posts: 27396


 
 Reply with quote  

^that's not redneck...it's hillbilly 100% laugh.gif
Post 06/23/15 04:15pm
 View users profile Send private message

Headcreeps
rub my belly


Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 4245
Age: 46


 
 Reply with quote  

I'm gonna agree with ya on that. laugh.gif
_________________
Despite what your momma told you, violence does solve problems. ~Ryan Job
Post 06/23/15 05:42pm
 View users profile Send private message Send email

Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog


Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 14969
Age: 64
Location: Dogdom

 
 Reply with quote  

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
The angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
“Not bad’, said the woman, I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there.”
“They don't like that in heaven”, said the angel.
The woman replied:
“They're not too happy about it in Costco either!”

_________________
Post 07/25/15 10:31pm
 View users profile Send private message

tractoris
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 12 Apr 2005
Posts: 27396


 
 Reply with quote  

What is the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?


A hockey player showers after 3 periods. laugh.gif
Post 08/04/15 11:48am
 View users profile Send private message

Morticia
Off my meds and unsupervised


Joined: 22 Sep 2006
Posts: 11580
Age: 115
Location: here

 
 Reply with quote  

While sitting in a bar one night I happen to hear these 3 very heavy set women talking. From their accents I guessed they were from Scotland.

I walked over and ask: Are you three lasses from Scotland?

One of the women screeched at me: WALES! It's Wales you bloody idiot!

I replied: I am so very sorry for my mistake. Are you three wales from Scotland?

That is the last thing I remember.

_________________
SANITY IS ONLY AN ILLUSION
Post 08/04/15 07:07pm
 View users profile Send private message

Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog


Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 14969
Age: 64
Location: Dogdom

 
 Reply with quote  

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

_________________
Post 08/04/15 09:49pm
 View users profile Send private message

AWM
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 05 Dec 2012
Posts: 4527
Age: 56


 
 Reply with quote  

laugh.gif laugh.gif
_________________
Pray - "To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”
Post 08/05/15 08:05pm
 View users profile Send private message

tractoris
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 12 Apr 2005
Posts: 27396


 
 Reply with quote  

What do you call a slutty Arkansas woman with a runny nose?























FULL! tongue.gif laugh.gif
Post 08/06/15 09:44am
 View users profile Send private message

Morticia
Off my meds and unsupervised


Joined: 22 Sep 2006
Posts: 11580
Age: 115
Location: here

 
 Reply with quote  

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

_________________
SANITY IS ONLY AN ILLUSION
Post 08/07/15 01:27am
 View users profile Send private message

Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog


Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 14969
Age: 64
Location: Dogdom

 
 Reply with quote  

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"
A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.
Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's YOUR mum, is it?"

_________________
Post 08/08/15 05:55pm
 View users profile Send private message

Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog


Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 14969
Age: 64
Location: Dogdom

 
 Reply with quote  

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

_________________
Post 08/10/15 05:37pm
 View users profile Send private message

Morticia
Off my meds and unsupervised


Joined: 22 Sep 2006
Posts: 11580
Age: 115
Location: here

 
 Reply with quote  


_________________
SANITY IS ONLY AN ILLUSION
Post 08/16/15 12:37am
 View users profile Send private message

elemental
No Salvation
No Salvation


Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 10134
Age: 48
Location: On the roadside mooning you.

 
 Reply with quote  

An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible...
2. A silver dollar...
3. A bottle of whiskey...
4. And a Playboy magazine...

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'
Post 08/24/15 03:12pm
 View users profile Send private message

Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 77, 78, 79, 80  Next
  Life of Debauchery .com > Humor Post new topic Reply to topic

All times are GMT - 4 Hours.
The time now is 10/23/17 03:00pm
Forum Jump:
Jump to:  
  Display posts from previous:      

Powered by Wolfbitch. phpBB © 200X | Privacy Policy