si
AN OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED CUNT!
Joined: 11 Mar 2005
Posts: 33501
Age: 15
Location: SUNNY B.A
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Neither if you leave some money on the table. 
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02/28/10 06:07pm |
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andykaye
flat out fucked
Joined: 19 Jul 2004
Posts: 6132
Age: 12
Location: SE Asia
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This is what Tiger Woods really wanted to say at his Press Conference..........
Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids. But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse.
So here goes. I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent. Like most men, I had trouble getting pussy before I became a famous multimillionaire. I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team, but the women there graded out with a "B" because they were leftovers that players on the football team didn't want. Before that, I got nothing because I have a bland personality and big lips.
Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door. Of course, I took advantage of my opportunities. These were women who wouldn't give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot. They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having sex with a celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn't happen, they seized on an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking the part of a woman scorned.
Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the others, except she played the "hard-to-get" strategy that women often use to corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman: pretty face, nice tits, nice ass, and an inviting personality. We dated for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed others company. When I asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about.
Our marriage was okay. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good mother. But since she had those kids, she's become a bitch, and doesn't want to have sex very often. And, she won't accompany me on road trips, except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?
To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending enough time at home with her and the kids? And to all the women: How many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me, knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?
I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own. And don't forget that vast support network she will have after appearing on Oprah and The View.
As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions and might lose custody of my children. Almost everyone who sees me takes great pleasure seeing me in pain.
Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt apology,
when all I really want to tell you is
"F**K OFF". |
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03/03/10 11:19pm |
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Thespar
No Salvation
Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 5867
Age: 42
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Fuck Tiger Woods with Gary Coleman.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.  |
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03/03/10 11:48pm |
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sorceress
Plays With Dead Things
Joined: 22 Sep 2006
Posts: 5046
Age: 35
Location: Southern, Illinois
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_________________
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY....BUT INSANITY IS A BETTER DEFENSE.. |
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03/04/10 01:09am |
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si
AN OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED CUNT!
Joined: 11 Mar 2005
Posts: 33501
Age: 15
Location: SUNNY B.A
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_________________
http://www.chimpout.com/ |
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03/04/10 08:47am |
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iheartdirt
sullen
Joined: 24 Dec 2009
Posts: 125
Age: 40
Location: frolicking,lol
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lol
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BRING ME MORE SHOES! |
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03/05/10 03:26am |
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andykaye
flat out fucked
Joined: 19 Jul 2004
Posts: 6132
Age: 12
Location: SE Asia
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SCHOOL -- 1957 v 2009
Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2009 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.
2009- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. |
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03/12/10 10:19pm |
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143
Anything is possible
Joined: 19 May 2004
Posts: 24001
Age: 20
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Damn it Andy, It'd be funnier if it was a joke!
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03/13/10 02:03am |
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sorceress
Plays With Dead Things
Joined: 22 Sep 2006
Posts: 5046
Age: 35
Location: Southern, Illinois
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quote:
Originally posted by 143
Damn it Andy, It'd be funnier if it was a joke!
I was thinking it was in the wrong section.
_________________
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY....BUT INSANITY IS A BETTER DEFENSE.. |
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03/13/10 02:06am |
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andykaye
flat out fucked
Joined: 19 Jul 2004
Posts: 6132
Age: 12
Location: SE Asia
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I thought it was fucking hilarious.  |
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03/13/10 03:51am |
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si
AN OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED CUNT!
Joined: 11 Mar 2005
Posts: 33501
Age: 15
Location: SUNNY B.A
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_________________
http://www.chimpout.com/ |
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03/13/10 12:29pm |
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andykaye
flat out fucked
Joined: 19 Jul 2004
Posts: 6132
Age: 12
Location: SE Asia
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Husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "no".
Husband replies "that's the spirit!" |
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03/21/10 10:52pm |
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Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog
Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 6434
Age: 57
Location: Dogdom
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^^
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered..
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high ."
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03/28/10 02:40pm |
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si
AN OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED CUNT!
Joined: 11 Mar 2005
Posts: 33501
Age: 15
Location: SUNNY B.A
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quote:
Originally posted by andykaye
Husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "no".
Husband replies "that's the spirit!"
_________________
http://www.chimpout.com/ |
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03/28/10 04:03pm |
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Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog
Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 6434
Age: 57
Location: Dogdom
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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the bitch.
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03/29/10 07:32pm |
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Headcreeps
☠GUILTY☠
Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 1170
Age: 39
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A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi
terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of
the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The
marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad
leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road..
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who
got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
so I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
Lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us.
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KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY. |
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04/01/10 06:01pm |
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rugbyprop
Above Progressive Thinking
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 12593
Age: 106
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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mail boxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'it's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every
day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me.'
_________________
What do you get when you cross a FAT person with another FAT person ?
THE SOUTH. |
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04/01/10 07:15pm |
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rugbyprop
Above Progressive Thinking
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 12593
Age: 106
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quote:
Originally posted by norbertone
Three white girls are sitting at a bar talking about sex when a HUGE black man walks in the door.
One girl gets the courage to get up and walks over to the black guy, "Could you please come in the ladies room with me!". "'scuse me?" said the black man. "Well my girlfriends and I want to see if it's true what they say about black men". "Ok" he said.
So he followed her into the ladies room; raped her, beat her up, and stole her purse.
So it was true then
_________________
What do you get when you cross a FAT person with another FAT person ?
THE SOUTH. |
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04/01/10 07:37pm |
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andykaye
flat out fucked
Joined: 19 Jul 2004
Posts: 6132
Age: 12
Location: SE Asia
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Email from a Kiwi mate:
My Dog
I went down to WINZ this morning to sign my dog up for Social Welfare.
At first the lady said, Dogs are not eligible for Social Welfare payments.
So I explained to her my dog is black, unemployed, lazy, cant speak English,
is guilty of repeated acts of underage sex, has numerous illegitimate offspring,
doesn't pay tax, uses public parks as a toilet, regularly attacks random strangers,
steals whatever he feels like eating, and has no idea who his father is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets his first cheque on Friday.
Is New Zealand a great country or what? |
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04/02/10 12:03am |
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Ripdog
What a fuckin' dog
Joined: 10 Apr 2003
Posts: 6434
Age: 57
Location: Dogdom
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^^FAF
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04/03/10 02:25pm |
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All times are GMT - 4 Hours. The time now is 09/07/10 05:05pm
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